Story: The Neo-Malthusian Theory July 30, 2006
The Neo-Malthusian Theory
(Excerpt from a History Test)
The neo-Malthusian theory was created by the Canadian scientists Paul H. Bunyan and Bob H. Bobaloo to account for disturbances in the earth’s magnetic field. After sending probes deeper into the earth than ever before, Bunyan and Bobaloo discovered a thin but slightly viscous cheese layer beneath the earth’s crust. After conducting a rigorous series of tests (SAT, ACT, etc.) they determined that the magnetic anomalies were stemming from the fact that the cheese was forming, in places, cheese deposits so hard that they changed the electromagnetic spectrum around them. The small African country of Malthusia agreed to let them take sample drillings as along as they didn’t disturb the cows.
They drilled and studied the cheese deposit below Malthusia for two years before, in a drunken state, Paul and Bob went on a late night cow-bashing frenzy. They were politely beaten up and ejected from Malthusia. The data they had obtained proved that if something wasn’t done to stop it, all colors would change to violet and peoples’ heads may explode.
President Bush called a desperate meeting when he found out, but forgot to show up.
Paul and Bob, however, organized a cheese task force, designed to uncover a way of liquefying the cheese deposits. Kenyan scientist, Nzzabkg Smith, finally discovered a method utilizing laseres and a polarized form of beer.
They implemented the plan with great success, except that the liquified cheese increased in volume and rushed out of the drill holes, covering thousands of acres with cheese lava. This cheese lava hardened and formed the famous Cheese Plains of South America. The fight for the precious resource resulted in the great Cheese Wars, 1984-86. Finally, however, the sudden natural resource resulted in a new world economy based entirely on cheese.
Did this get a Shovel award from Mr. Hagen? Was this the one where he drew a huge red shovel covering the entire back of one of your test pages.
If not it should be.
Oh yeah, this was a golden shovel recipient. I still have the physical copy in my files with the giant red shovel drawn on it. I think he gave me a point or so for creativity though.